Sex And Polyvagal Theory: How to optimize your nervous system for better sex
Maybe you’ve heard the term Polyvagal Theory, but aren’t exactly sure what it is, let alone how it applies to your sex life.
I’m about to give you a simple overview so you can begin to understand the workings of your nervous system, and show you how that knowledge can empower you to access more pleasure.
Let’s begin.
Polyvagal Theory 101
Let’s start by outlining a basic map of Polyvagal Theory.
Polyvagal Theory is all about the autonomic nervous system, which is the part of your nervous system that typically functions outside your conscious control.
The autonomic nervous system can be divided into three zones:
Ventral Vagal (Social Engagement System)
Sympathetic (Fight or Flight)
Dorsal Vagal (Freeze / Dissociate)
You’ll notice there are two “vagal” systems listed above; this is what the term “poly-vagal” refers to. These are two branches of the vagus nerve. The ventral vagal nerve runs through the core of the body while the dorsal vagal nerve runs through the back of the body.
Both vagal pathways are part of the parasympathetic nervous system, and the zone between the two is the sympathetic nervous system.
The parasympathetic nervous system is typically associated with more stillness and slowing down, while the sympathetic nervous system is associated with activation and high energy.
How the parts of the autonomic nervous system work together
The Ventral Vagal (Social Engagement System)
Typically we want to spend most of our time in the social engagement system. This is the part of our parasympathetic nervous system where we feel safe and relaxed.
When we are operating from the social engagement system we are:
relaxed but engaged and aware of our surroundings
curious
open to connection
feeling spacious and receptive
The muscles and heart rate are relaxed, and the breath is deep and slow. This is the place from which rest, digestion and pleasure can occur.
The Sympathetic Nervous System (Fight or Flight)
If we start feeling unsafe, the body switches gears into the sympathetic nervous system.
The sympathetic nervous system is responsible for our flight or flight response, and this is the first step we take toward threat management. Whether we choose to fight or flee depends on the situation and our own habitual patterning.
When we are in our sympathetic nervous system we are:
on high alert
laser focused on acquiring safety
tense and agitated
The breath and heart rate speed up, and blood flow is directed away from the core toward the limbs.
The Dorsal Vagal System (Freeze / Dissociate)
This is the last resort in our threat management system. If the Sympathetic Nervous System has failed (ie. we don’t have the option to fight or flee), then the dorsal vagal system will kick in.
The Dorsal Vagal System is another branch of the parasympathetic nervous system, but here we typically don’t feel safe or engaged. This is an ancient part of our nervous system that helps us freeze and dissociate in the face of danger, much like reptiles do.
When we are in the Dorsal Vagal System we are:
dissociated from feelings and sensations in the body
shut down and immobilized
vacant, absent and numb
In the body, all systems start to slow down. The heart rate will slow down while the breath remains shallow. Rest and digestion do not occur here.
Ok! That’s all you need to know about the basics!
Your Nervous System and Sexual Pleasure
The most common challenges to arousal
Many of my clients come to see me because of challenges in their arousal, and it typically takes one of two forms:
arousal feels difficult to access
arousal happens so quickly it feels out of control
These can both be symptoms of nervous system dysregulation, meaning that the nervous system is stuck in either the sympathetic or dorsal vagal zone.
In order to get turned on effortlessly, we need to be grounded in the Ventral Vagal Nervous System, ie the Social Engagement Zone.
Let’s examine this in more detail.
What’s happening in the nervous system when you can’t get aroused
If you struggle to get aroused, you might relate with some of these scenarios:
your body doesn’t respond with lubrication or engorgement, and the more you focus on that, the more anxious you become
you feel internal pressure to be aroused for your partner’s benefit
things seem to move too quickly for you to find your pleasure
sex feels overwhelming and you don’t get much out of it
you feel numb or disconnected from your experience
it feels challenging to reach orgasm
If you can relate to any of the above, you are likely trying to have sex while you’re in the sympathetic or dorsal vagal system.
Remember how the sympathetic and dorsal vagal systems kick in as a form of threat management? Well, if you’re navigating shame, poor communication and negative internal thoughts, it can perceived as a source of threat by the nervous system.
Even if you have the most supportive partner, if your internal dialogue is telling you that you’re broken, inadequate, disappointing, and that you’ll never satisfy anyone - your body will perceive that as a threat.
If you’re terrified of the shame and rejection you’ll feel - your body will perceive that as a threat.
If you’re anticipating an unpleasant encounter where your needs won’t be met and your voice won’t be heard - your body will perceive that as a threat.
Here’s why arousal is more difficult when we’re in Fight or Flight:
blood flow is directed away from the core, so naturally it will be directed away from the genitals.
attention is focused on mitigating danger; therefore we are less sensitive and responsive to pleasure
If we are in the dorsal vagal system, we’ve entered a deeper state of threat management.
Here’s why arousal is more difficult in Freeze:
we feel disembodied; we become spectators of our own experience
we feel numb and can’t access pleasure
knowing or communicating our needs feels inaccessible
Neither of these options are conducive to getting aroused. If you notice you’re in your sympathetic or dorsal vagal nervous system, the first step in facilitating your arousal is to come back into the social engagement zone.
What’s happening in the nervous system when you climax too soon
Similar to the situations described above, nervous system dysregulation can also lead to early climax, or more specifically, early ejaculation.
In this scenario the body is able to achieve arousal, but the nervous system can’t hold that charge for the desired length of time. In an attempt to return to baseline relaxation, the body throws off the excess energy through orgasm.
Consider that being in the sympathetic nervous system adds charge to the body, and sexual energy adds even more charge. If we think of the body like an electrical grid, we can only handle so much charge until something short circuits. So trying to add sexual arousal to an already stressed nervous system will blow out pretty quickly. It’s my anecdotal observation that a lot of clients who struggle with early ejaculation also tend towards general anxiety(chronic sympathetic activation), and when we look at it through this lens it makes sense.
Again, the key is supporting the body in coming back into the ventral vagal system so that the body can hold the sexual arousal in a grounded and relaxed way.
How to support the body in getting aroused and staying aroused
The most important thing we can do is support the body in coming into the social engagement zone before initiating sex. Just by taking the time to ground and relax, we can set ourselves up for a radically different experience.
The best way to work with the nervous system is through somatic practices that involve a bottom up approach. These might include tools like breath, sound, movement and touch while cultivating inner awareness.
Learning to harness these skills through your own mindful self pleasure practice can be a wonderful step in cultivating better nervous system regulation. I’ve created a free download with all my favourite somatic practices to prime my body for the best experience ever. If you’d like to grab a copy, you can access it here .
In the meantime, keep listening to your body and noticing when you’re not in the ideal state to initiate sex. It’s always ok to ask for more time and slow things down, and listen to what your body needs in order to feel safe and supported.
