5 Ways to Improve Your Touch Skills To Make Your Partner Melt

It’s not what you do but how you do it. 

If you were expecting to find a post about techniques, then you’ll be in for a slightly different journey here. 

Techniques are great if you already have the foundational ability to sense and feel your body, to co-regulate with your partner, and trust your intuition. But the problem is, most people try to jump to techniques without having a felt sense understanding of what they’re doing and why. 

Technique without attunement is empty and mechanical. And it won’t have the results you want when you try it on your partner. 

So stay with me for the next few minutes to learn about some of these foundational skills that will bring your touch to life and create the depth of intimacy you’re desiring. 

1) Develop Sensitivity In Your Hands

Our hands hold a dense intersection of nerve endings that provide both fine motor skills and exquisite sensory perception. In fact, our hands are almost as densely innervated as our lips and genitals! Imagine the possibilities here. 

I want you to start thinking of the ways that you divide these two functions:

Motor function - this is where you are doing something to your environment with some sort of an end goal. Ex. Picking up your cup of coffee so you can drink, caressing your partner to turn them on

Sensory function - this is where you are focused on the act of perceiving, of taking in sensory information and processing it. Ex. Feeling for your keys in your bag, running your hands through the grass because it feels nice

While both these functions can be online at the same time, one of the biggest markers of poor quality touch is someone who is too focused on the end goal of what they are doing, ie. they’re all focused on their motor function without being able to sense and feel what they are doing. 

Without being able to attune to incoming sensation, you are missing out on:

• noticing what’s happening in your partner’s body

• your own enjoyment of your partner’s body

• letting your partner truly feel how much you are enjoying them 

If you start to train yourself how to FEEL while you are DOING, this will quickly add dimension to the quality of your touch that your partner will definitely enjoy.

2) Ground Into Your Own Body

It’s human to feel nervous when we really want to impress someone, and to hyper-focus on their reactions rather than staying grounded in how we feel. 

But one of the most important things you can do for your partner is to ground yourself. 

Here’s why:

As mammals, we are naturally tuned in to the nervous systems of other mammals around us. If someone in your environment is anxious, it can easily cause you to start feeling disregulated, or to have to work harder to keep your calm. In contrast, if someone is calm and grounded, it tells your nervous system you’re okay, you’re safe here, you can relax. 

So when you’re going in to initiate sensual or erotic touch, your own state of being will have more influence over your partner’s nervous system than anything else you say or do. All of this happens instantly on a subconscious level. 

If you find yourself getting caught up in ideas around performance, worrying about how you’re being perceived, and trying to ‘do things right’ while navigating an anxious and dissociated state, give yourself permission to pause, take some deep breaths, and do what you need to do to help feel more present and regulated within your own body first. 

3) Slow Down. Even More. 

If I had to sum up the one consistent observation I’ve made in nearly a decade of teaching touch, it’s this: most people go way too fast. 

Whatever most people think of as “slow” is in fact closer to a medium. But this tendency ties back to the earlier points in this post which is that if we’re focused on the end goal and not feeling our own body then it’s natural to speed up and forget the pleasure of the journey. 

Try this: run your fingers up and down your forearm at whatever pace feels like your default. Then slow it down. Slow it down again. Even slower. Move so slow that you’re barely moving. Now feel into the pace that felt the most present, sensual and connected for you. 

Don’t be afraid to be slow. Sex is about the journey, and true connection happens when we slow ourselves down to appreciate the details, the subtleties, savouring every sensation along the way. 

4) Relax Your Hands And Touch With All Parts Of Your Hands

Receiving the same kinds of sensations quickly becomes monotonous for the nervous system. Your hands can provide a wide array of sensations when we apply a little bit of creativity. 

But it will be harder to do if your hands are stiff. Try giving your hands a good, thorough shake to start so that your fingers become soft and flexible like a paintbrush. 

Then try these exercises on yourself: 

• alternate stroking your arm very lightly with the pads of your fingertips, then with your fingernails

• gently caress your arm with the palm of your hand, then the back of your hand

• experiment stroking your body with the side of your hand and the side of your pinky finger

• alternate the pressure you use to create variety

Notice all the different sensations that are possible, not just to your body, but the sensations in your hand doing the touching. 

5) Practice Good Communication and Understanding Your Partner’s Erogenous Zones

While it’s lovely to ask your partner things like “Does this feel ok?” or “Do you like that?”

most people will say yes without even thinking about it. This is because we’re so conditioned to try to protect the other person’s ego from potentially negative feedback, and also because most people haven’t really figured out what they like or dislike. So saying “yes” is an easy way to avoid all of it. 

But if you really want to become a masterful lover, then I encourage you to dig deeper:

Ask your partner either/or questions to challenge them to tune into what they really feel, and give them the opportunity to voice that. 

Ex: “Would you like me to go faster or slower?”, “Do you like the deep pressure or would you prefer I go lighter?”

These kinds of questions set it up so that your partner can provide a more nuanced answer while feeling safe that you’re open to hearing that feedback. 

As you get to know your partner’s body, pay attention to what they are most responsive to. We are all wired a little differently, so start creating a mental map of where your partner is most sensitive and responsive, as well as the exact kind of touch they like to receive there. 

Moving Forward With Your Touch Skills

As with everything, be gentle with yourself as you learn. Understand that mastering these skills takes time, as it would to learn a new instrument or a sport. But the more you practice, the more it will become an intuitive process where you won’t even have to think about it. 

And most importantly, if you find yourself getting caught up in performance anxiety, always remember to prioritize the journey over the end goal. Just drop into your body and feel, and the rest will unfold very naturally. 

Want to cultivate your touch skills in a dynamic couples workshop?

Check out my upcoming workshop series, The Art of Touch, happening Sept 13th, 2024