Low Desire: Why it happens and what to do about it - Part I
Probably the number one challenge that women face, whether single or partnered, is low desire: a feeling that you couldn't care less if you ever had sex again, it's never fulfilling, and you'd be perfectly happy without it.
Some people have no problem with feeling that way. They're content, not missing anything, and happy to continue their lives like that. If that's you, I fully support your choices.
For others, however, there is a pervasive sense of distress around not having access to desire. This can be especially pronounced in relationship (ie. fear that you're not meeting your partner's needs, a sense of pressure to please them), but it can also be an issue for singles. There might be a sense that if you ever want to date again, presumably someone will hope to have sex with you, and when you find yourself in that situation, you worry that the feeling won't be mutual. And maybe this makes you wary of dating altogether.
In either case, our starting point needs to be changing our thinking around the question: "Who is sex for?"
Repeat after me: Sex is for you. It's not for your partner. It's not for anyone else. It's for YOU.
By this I mean that if you're going to engage in erotic intimacy with another human, it should always stem from a place of genuine desire, and create some sort of fulfillment for each person involved. It should never be a transaction, something you feel obliged to do in order to get something else (approval, emotional closeness, commitment etc).
If you're thinking "But how am I supposed to get there? I don't feel any desire!", then keep reading.
What causes low desire?
There are a multitude of factors that can contribute to a diminished libido, but here are some interesting facts for you to chew on.
Stress activates our brakes
In Emily Nagoski's famous book, Come As You Are, she talks about two mechanisms in the brain that influence our desire: the accelerator and the brakes.
The accelerator is responsible for picking up sexual cues in the environment and amping up our interest and arousal. The brakes are tuned in to any reasons not to have sex, and respond by shutting things down.
For most people, stress will engage the brakes - big time. Stress tends to activate emotions like anxiety and depression, and statistically there is an extremely high correlation between low mood and low desire. If you struggle with anxiety, depression, burnout, overwhelm, chances are your low desire is simply a product of numerous other factors in your life that are not conducive to your flourishing. It's wise to start by examining what those factors are, and looking for ways to start changing them.
Our thoughts can block out sexual cues
In her book, Mindfulness for Better Sex, Lori Brotto lists numerous studies where women were brought to a lab and outfitted with a fancy device that goes in your vagina and measures heat and blood flow. They were then asked to watch some erotic content and rate their subjective response to it while the device was measuring their physiological arousal.
The fascinating outcome of this was that women who suffered from low desire has higher rates of arousal non-concordance (which basically means that your body and mind are having different experiences). While they may have rated the erotic content as uninteresting, or maybe even had some judgements about it, their bodies were still responding with increased arousal. What's most fascinating though, is that they weren't aware of their arousal.
The conclusion here is that our minds are incredibly powerful in directing the experience we have of our body.
Some of these women were then enrolled in group programs that taught mindfulness, offered a more positive and welcoming perspective on sexuality, and helped the women become more aware of physical sensations. The result: higher concordance. They were able to notice physiological arousal and give themselves more permission to stay present with it.
Negative attitudes about our body and sexuality
What kind of messaging did you receive about sexuality when you were growing up? For most adults alive today, much of that messaging was negative. Hopefully that will change for future generations, but our big task right now is to heal our own wounds around what we were taught.
Sadly, if we never take the time to re-examine our sexual values, they can linger in our subconscious and influence the experiences we may or may not allow ourselves to have. Check yourself to see if any of these beliefs ring true for you:
"If I'm not my ideal body weight/shape/size, then I'm not worthy."
"Smart, successful women don't act slutty"
"Being too sexual means no one will respect me"
"Sex is never satisfying for women. It's really only for men's pleasure."
"Sex is inherently dirty/shameful/sinful/laughable and something that should be relegated to secrecy"
Did you receive any of these lessons growing up, in subtle or not so subtle ways?
A further point of interest on this topic is that way that we may judge or self-censor our own fantasies. This is a behaviour a lot of my clients have admitted to me, and it speaks to the degree that we've internalized moralistic ideologies, from either end of the political spectrum.
Judgment kills desire. Period.
If we judge our own fantasies, we will surely be policing and micro-managing our real world experiences even more so. We are always at choice as to whether a particular fantasy would be wise to act out or not. Even if it were harmful in real life, it's important to stay curious and open about what the fantasy is trying to share with us. Likewise, we can choose to stay curious about our desires before evaluating them and therefore removing ourselves from the embodied truth they may reveal.
Spectatoring: Not being in your body during sex
Have you ever noticed where you are during sex? If you've never paused to notice this, then I highly encourage you to try next time you're intimate with someone.
If your awareness is outside your body during sex, it feels like:
your mind is racing a million miles an hour
you are judging and managing your body from an outside perspective, attempting to curate how your partner sees you
you feel removed from your experience; you can think about it, but you can't actually feel what's happening
you're preoccupied with worried thoughts about how you look and how you're performing
If this sounds familiar, then you are engaging in what's called spectatoring. This is the opposite experience of being embodied.
Being a spectator results in sex that is chronically unfulfilling, and chronically unfulfilling sex gives little incentive for desire. If something isn't worth it, you're not going to want it. It's that simple.
Relationship Stress
Lastly, we need to address the state of your relationship (if you're in one). The emotional climate of your relationship can be a huge predictor as to how much desire you feel. If there is constant fighting and animosity, if you can't share freely and vulnerably without a fear of judgement or ridicule, then it truncates any possibility for intimacy right then and there.
Having healthy communication skills, and practicing mindfulness with one another (especially when engaged in a disagreement), can go a long way in building trust and creating a safe environment to begin exploring and trying new things. Without this foundation of safety, no growth is possible.
How To Rekindle Sexual Desire
Want to learn strategies that can help you kick-start your desire again and create more opportunities for joyful and connected play?
Check out Part II of this article to learn about specific practices to bring you there.