Low Desire: Why it happens and what to do about it - Part II

In Part I of this series, we talked about all the potential causes of low desire.

To recap, this list can include:

• stress (which slams our brakes)

• lack of bodily awareness

• internalized judgmental beliefs (about sex, about your desires, about your body etc)

• relationship stress

In Part II of this article, we will focus on strategies that you can begin to use today to help you rekindle your sexual desire.

But first, here's an interesting idea to consider…

Is our model of sexual response wrong?

In our traditional, linear models of sexual arousal, we learned that desire precedes arousal. This seems to make sense on the surface. But in 2001, Dr. Rosemary Basson presented a more holistic model of women's arousal, whereby sexual stimuli and arousal can actually be the triggers for desire. Wait, what?

If we look back at some of the findings from the previous post, you'll remember that many of the women who identified as having low desire actually DID experience physiological arousal when they were asked to watch some erotica while their pelvic blood flow was monitored. They just weren't aware of what was happening in their body and/or they had negative judgments about the cues. So arousal was happening, but it didn't translate into a sense of desire in their minds, because essentially the cues were blocked.

So what if the answer to low desire isn't about trying to force or manufacture something that doesn't exist? What if low desire could actually be a product of an inability to notice and respond to cues (both internal and external)? What if, through cultivating an inner sense of safety and embodiment, we could begin to tune in to pleasure responses that are already there and waiting?

Interoception: the missing skill in a mind-based culture

What is interoception?

Essentially it's our ability to tune into the inner felt sense of our body. Interoception helps us notice when we're hungry, thirsty, or need to eliminate. It can also help us decipher what we're feeling, using the language of sensation. For example, if you feel nervous, you likely know that because you feel butterflies in your stomach and sweat on your palms. Maybe there's a little trembling in your limbs too. These are all sensations that form the foundation of our overall experience.

Your interoception is your internal vision. And for many of us, that vision is quite blurred and lacking. We're not taught the skill of staying present with the body long enough to understand these sensations and use them as a source of wisdom and guidance in our lives. Instead, we go about making all our decisions through the mind, which can lead us to feeling empty and separate from our experiences.

This includes sex. If you've ever made a decision to have sex based on some sort of utilitarian assessment (ie. I should have sex because my partner expects it, this is what people in relationship do, I’m worried about consequences if I don’t etc.) then you'll know what this empty experience feels like. It's all in the mind. It never lands in the body. If you're lucky enough to still orgasm, even that feels like a minor sneeze, a mere reflex. It doesn't leave you with the luxurious satisfaction that you crave.

Mindfulness: The key to building interoception

Mindfulness practices have become highly popular today, and have been proven to help with conditions from chronic pain, to anxiety and depression. But what if mindfulness can help us become more sexually alive as well?

This what Dr. Lori Brotto explores in her book Better Sex Through Mindfulness. In studies done on women with low sexual desire, an 8-week long group mindfulness program helped participants significantly decrease their anxiety around sex, and helped them connect with sensations in their bodies so that their intimate activities felt more pleasurable and fulfilling.

It goes without saying, the more fulfilling an activity is, the more incentive there is to repeat it. The opposite is also true. Activities that feel unrewarding offer no motive for continued engagement. So if we want to stoke the flames of desire, we need to prioritize an overall experience that feels inherently satisfying (with or without orgasm).

Body Scan Meditations: Your Foundation for Better Sex

If you're looking to build greater awareness of your body, then practicing body scan meditations is the best place to start. It invites participants to simply tune into the sensations that are already present in the body, without judgement or trying to make anything different than it is.

Some people, when they first start practicing body scans, report that they don't feel anything. This is a trick of the mind. If you are alive and your spinal cord and nerves are intact, then I promise you there is sensory information flowing back to your brain. But there are a few reasons why it might feel like there's very little to report on:

1) You're unconsciously holding an idea of what you think you should feel and the absence of that takes your awareness away from what you're actually feeling

2) Your mind is busy with thoughts that keep hijacking your attention

3) The neural pathways between your brain and body are a little rusty and they need to be strengthened

In any of these cases, trust that consistent practice will strengthen your awareness and connection to your body. Just like you would never expect yourself to master a new instrument or sport in one try, it's important to be patient with yourself as you begin to learn the language of your body. It will feel easier with time.

Start by working with shorter practices daily. Choose a chunk of time that feels easy and manageable for you. This might be 5 minutes or 20 minutes, depending on where you're at. As you build the capacity to stay present, you can gradually increase the length of your meditations, or just do one or two longer sessions a week, combined with shorter ones the rest of the days. Guided body scan recordings are abundant on the internet, from places like YouTube, to the meditation apps like InsightTimer or Headspace.

Become aware of your negative judgments

Negative judgments act like brakes on our sexual desire. And they can shut things down so quickly that we're not even consciously aware of it.

These thoughts can take the form of feeling ashamed of your body, feeling anxious about your sexual performance, or even deeming your own private fantasies to be "wrong".

I've had more than one client admit to me that they prohibit themselves from engaging with certain fantasies (that they know would turn them on), because they find the content morally objectionable. If you find yourself relating to this, I have important news for you: the erotic mind doesn't care about morals, and neat little binaries of right and wrong. Your turn-ons may force you to confront dimensions of yourself that you'd rather not acknowledge, and that's the whole beauty of being human. If you can cultivate an attitude of curiosity rather than judgement, you can start allowing that energy to flow inside you. Remember, fantasies don't have to be lived out in real life. That choice is always up to you.

Overcoming body shame is another big hurdle in coming back home to the body. This shame typically has its roots in an externalized impression of ourselves, spending too much time imagining how other people are perceiving us physically (usually with a mountain of negative assumptions). The antidote to this is anchoring your awareness inside your body. When you notice yourself imagining how horrible you look, acknowledge that as an unhelpful thought, and gently guide your attention back to any positive sensations you feel inside your body. You'll have to practice this over and over again until it starts to feel like second nature.

Remember this as you work toward increasing your self acceptance: someone who fully owns all they've got, who is comfortable in their own skin and with their erotic desires is very naturally magnetic. Being a sexually empowered human is not about trying to fit an image or a mold. It's about loving and celebrating what you have: your body, your pleasure, and your vulnerabilities.

Let go of your goals

Lastly, and perhaps most importantly, we need to shift our priorities from being outcome-oriented to presence-oriented.

Part of the catch with low desire is that partners often disengage because they are afraid that a given interaction will lead to an expectation of sex. This anxiety over what's going to happen next leads them to stay in their head rather than drop into the body, so again, they don't get to process the positive cues that may actually elicit desire. The cues are tuned out, everything is shut down, and the anxiety slowly takes over and turns into a skillful dance of avoidance.

It plays out something like this:

Begin with a fear of expectation → pleasurable sensation/sexual cue not registered by the brain → circumstance triggers more anxiety → anxiety decreases sensation and increases avoidance → more fear of expectations

The only way to reverse this spiral is to create space for enjoying pleasurable sensations in the present moment. Practicing mindfulness can help us do the following:

Be present with a sensation or sexual cue → notice a pleasurable response in the body → experience an opening for desire to emerge

You can practice this yourself by having a mindful self pleasure practice that starts with a body scan and incorporates non-goal oriented touch.

If you're doing this with a partner, then create a safe and structured container in which the two of you can explore pleasurable interactions with the explicit agreement that it will not lead to sex. This can help you build the body awareness you need to start becoming more receptive to pleasure again.

Recap

If you find yourself experiencing low desire, try working with the following practices for the coming weeks:

• daily body scan meditations (making sure not to skip your genitals!)

• journal about your negative beliefs and judgments about sex; begin to question them

• practice positive, non-goal oriented touch (either solo or partnered)